Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ~ William James

Word count for this blog: 332
Approximate time to read: 2 minutes

The recent suicide of Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi is a wake-up call for all of us who interact with young people. It’s a reminder that our role in their lives extends beyond conveying facts and figures, policies and procedures, rules and guidelines. We are called to be mentors and role models who help guide young people into adulthood… and sometimes we need to be the ones who reach out to them when they are hurting or confused.

Untreated depression is the number one cause for a suicide. When a person is experiencing emotional pain, their judgment and decision-making are blurred. Contrary to what you might think, asking someone about suicide or their mental well-being does not make matters worse – it shows care and concern.

If you notice someone who is in distress, please make sure he or she gets help. The following signs might indicate that someone is having an emotional problem:
• Tearfulness
• Sleepiness
• Missing classes or work
• Remote or withdrawn
• Agitation or jitteriness
• Poor school or work performance
• Poor hygiene or unkempt appearance
• Unable to focus, acting dazed or confused
• Writing, drawing or talking about death or violence

Any of these signs might suggest a need to take immediate action. Be proactive and show you care. Don’t hesitate to tell someone what you notice and that you are concerned. Invite them to seek help – give them a Counselor’s contact information, offer to schedule or take them to an appointment, or notify a family member about your concerns so they can help.

Don’t delay – together we make a difference.

This week is a National Depression Screening initiative. Anyone may take a free confidential online test to find out whether they may have a problem with depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder or bipolar disorder. Go to www.moodsolutions.net Home page and click on the “free anonymous online screening”.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

The difficulty in life is not that we have too much to do; it’s that our inner dialogue often prevents us from doing the things that will have the most significant impact on our lives.

Fondly known as ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts), they creep into our minds and overrun our daily efforts. They sound something like this:

You: “I need to write my blog today.”
ANT: “Yes, but it’s so difficult and time-consuming; why not write some emails first?”
You: “But I promised myself I would write once a week on Tuesdays.”
ANT: “You always let things go until the last minute. That probably means you aren’t confident in yourself; maybe you aren’t as good as you think.”
You: “Well, I have a good idea for a topic.”
ANT: “But last week, hardly anyone read your blog; your ideas must not be that good. Maybe people are getting tired of reading what you write.”
Etc.

Many people have trouble following through on their good intentions. In my conversations with clients and colleagues I hear a consistent theme: most people know what they need to do to be healthy, secure and happy; the challenge is to actually do them. There are hundreds of reasons “not to” – perceived lack of time or money, competing demands, poor timing, perceived difficulty of the action, lack of skill. I think what happens when we consider doing a task or making a change, is that we start anticipating what it will require of us and we start assessing our ability to meet those requirements. ANTs exaggerate the requirements and underestimate our competence.

There are two principles for overcoming your inner dialogue. The first is to remind yourself that “these are just thoughts and thoughts are not truth”. ANTs are often the result of childhood experiences – past messages from other people and conclusions we drew about ourselves. The second is to determine the one thing that would have the most impact on your life – personal or professional – and then focus a majority of your energy on that. When you accomplish your most significant goals, experiencing the benefits will be like Raid for your ANTs.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

Here is a riddle: “There are six birds sitting in a tree. A man comes along and shoots one. How many are left?”

There really is no right or wrong answer to this riddle. Linear thinkers will say that the answer is “five”. But those who reason differently will say “None; the gunshot scared them all away.”

In teaching psychology, I’ve used this riddle to demonstrate the concept of Multiple Intelligences, which is the idea that each person can have a variety of intelligences rather than a singular IQ score of intelligence. (The seven multiple intelligences are: linguistic, logical-mathematical, spatial, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal and intrapersonal). I think this riddle also teaches us an important life lesson.

Inevitably, a client will ask for “the” answer to their dilemma. But I always respond that there is no singular answer; only the one the individual can find and live with. So many of us want reassurance that there is one absolute response, one correct answer or one right decision. But if you consider this riddle, I think you can make the connection: there are multiple ways to resolve a situation and no one way is necessarily “right”.

Our conclusions are based on the information we have and the assumptions we make – both are limited. We can’t know everything; and in the absence of knowledge our reasoning can be faulty. Yet people often act as if assumptions are infallible rules and guidelines, rather than guesses. Believing something is true, they look for confirming evidence. An example is when someone explains that the things that go wrong in life are their fault – and point to several situations, saying that they are the “common denominator” and therefore they must be doing something to cause these circumstances.

To counteract this tendency, I often encourage clients to come up with at least six possible explanations or answers to any problem they present. This discourages limited thinking and opens up possibilities they wouldn’t otherwise consider. Try this “rule of six” – it’s a freeing experience.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

Stories of resilience in the face of hardship abound. Some of those stories are well-reported, and others unknown.

The 33 men trapped in a Chilean mine, have caught world-wide attention. We are fascinated by their survival story and horrified by the thought of being stuck underground for an unknown period of time. Rescuers have been able to drill a hole so they can provide needed life support and communication. The men themselves have been wisely calculating what they need to do, immediately rationing their food supplies and keeping each other going. Their keys to survival (food and water, purposeful activity and social support) really are what all of us need to be resilient in life.

As a therapist, I am aware of the many people who have survived life’s cave-ins. They are not as notorious as the miners, but should be equally admired. For most of them, like the miners, they were going about their normal lives when an unexpected event struck. One person described it this way: “I was walking along in life; the terrain was mostly gently rolling hills and my gait was relatively stable. But then in the midst of the next step, the ground suddenly dropped away beneath my feet and it seemed like I was hurtling down a steep slope. I panicked and flailed to find something to hold onto, frightened by the possibility of crashing on the sharp rocks below.” This person was describing a loss, but the words could apply to illness, injury, disappointment, separation or any other painful life event.

How do people manage their life cave-ins? In every story I’ve read or personally witnessed, there is a consistent theme – there was someone who made a difference.

The people who make a difference are caretakers – parents, children, spouses, clergy, teachers, counselors, friends, caregivers or health professionals – the ones who provide physical and emotional sustenance in a time of need. They are the ones who step in and offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, solutions and support.

But like the rescuers for any accident in life, they also need care. They need respite, encouragement and celebration. So today, I simply want to recognize and thank those who are caretakers. You know who you are.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

Don’t read any further if you’re a golf fan…

I’m told that golf is a relaxing game, but to me it sometimes seems more frustrating than relaxing. There you are, chasing a little white ball with a long stick, all over a grassy field containing traps (sand, long grass, trees, lakes) and hoping to get it into a tiny hole within a prescribed number of shots. This is fun?!?

But in self-defense, a couple of years ago I decided to take up the game. There are many ways of learning how to play golf – videos, face-to-face lessons with a pro, or simply going out to a driving range or course and swinging the club – and I’ve tried them all. Taking lessons has helped the most. My instructor, Bernie, emphasizes both the mechanical aspects of play, as well as the psychological.

What challenges me about playing golf is that you cannot think too much about what you’re doing, or you’ll ruin your swing. Bernie says that when you prepare to hit the ball, you do have to think about what you’re going to do, but you cannot think while you’re doing it. When you actually take your shot, you have to be completely in your body, trusting your intuition and muscle memory. It involves a shift from one part of your brain to the other.

I often find myself making the same request of clients – to move away from thinking so much, and move toward feeling and sensation. Thoughts can provide some insight and guidance but the physical and emotional need also be considered and integrated. This is as true for clients, as for clinicians, clergy, parents and other caretakers. Caretaking is not just a matter of executing a series of techniques or tasks – it involves your whole being.

Some counseling experts believe that emotions are “embodied”, that is, stored or expressed in physical form. Counselors will ask the clients “where in your body do you feel that emotion?” or “if that foot tapping could talk, what would it be saying?” Sometimes we observe that the client says he feels one way, but his body seems to be communicating another feeling, and we explore that. In other words, the body speaks to us – if only we could understand what it is saying!

You can’t know what you cannot feel. You can start learning the body’s language by increasing physical awareness. Try this simple exercise: two or three times a day, sit quietly and gradually scan all areas of your head, neck, back, abdomen, arms and legs. Simply notice any physical sensations – tightness, pain, tingling, warmth, constriction. Don’t try to interpret these feelings or to change them, just focus on attunement and acceptance.

Once you’re more skilled at noticing sensations, you can better understand what they signify. The cliché, “trust your gut” will have more meaning. And who knows, maybe you’ll be a better golfer.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” –Leo Buscaglia

Lately I’ve been hearing people express feelings of frustration and disappointment. Being discouraged is like having a cloud hanging over you, blocking the sun’s light, setting a gloomy tone to your day. It can feel like rainy weather that keeps you from doing what you planned. Sometimes I wish there was a weather map to help me predict when the clouds of discouragement will come – and when they will leave.

Is discouragement inevitable? I think even the most optimistic and enthusiastic person has moments of waning hope and energy when they don’t achieve their goals. Some people bounce back quickly from disappointments and others stay dampened for a long time.

Here are five strategies for overcoming discouragement:

1. Give yourself Time. Remember the “rule of 21” – as I said in a previous post, to make any long-lasting change you have to repeat something at least 21 times (best if done 21 days in a row). Remind yourself that emotions like disappointment are temporary and it is not always necessary to do something in response, such as giving up.
2. Keep your Perspective. Look at the bigger picture. Enjoy the process, instead of only valuing the outcome. Recognize partial successes. Too often we view goals as “all or nothing”, when there can be some partial victory to savor and celebrate.
3. Maintain Realistic Expectations. Sometimes we try too hard to attain something that is not feasible or viable. Get others’ feedback if you’re unsure.
4. Remind yourself of your overall Goals or Vision. Remembering why you are doing something helps you stay motivated. View what you are doing in the context of a bigger purpose.
5. Feed your Hope. Be positive. Read inspiring stories or quotes. Partner with others who are working toward similar goals. Spend time with people who give encouragement.

Remember: what you do makes a difference.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

Have you seen signs advertising the “Quiet Ride Car” on commuter trains? If you ride on one of these cars, you are prohibited from having conversations above a whisper level, talking on cell phones, or using the sound mode on electronic devices. The purpose is to provide a peaceful, relaxing commute to prepare for, and decompress from, the work day.

Maybe we need the “Quiet Car” concept in all areas of life – especially if your responsibilities involve caring for others. Too often we jump right into our day, without preparing ourselves. Taking some quiet time at the beginning of the day to focus on the tasks ahead, remind yourself of your overall goal or purpose, and determine your energy level, can help you be more effective. Spending some time at the end of the day, reflecting on what went well and mentally separating from work, can aid the transition back to your personal life.

This is a little bit like stretching before and after exercising. If you want to avoid injuries, you have to warm up before engaging in any rigorous activity, and cool down afterward. Most people learn the importance of stretching their muscles gently, before using them vigorously in sport. Otherwise you cannot use the muscles efficiently and may end up pulling or tearing them. Stretching afterward relieves muscle tension and prevents cramping.

Emotionally speaking, it’s the same. Before engaging in intense emotional work, you should warm up by slowly and gently “tuning in” to your emotional state and breathing deeply. Afterwards, cool down. Some caretakers use prayer, meditation or listening to music as warm-up or cool-down routines. These rituals also help set a framework for containing your duties and not allowing them to spill over into other parts of life.

For those (such as parents or home caregivers) whose “work day” has no beginning or ending, it might seem difficult or impossible to find quiet time for preparing or decompressing. But unless you have a dire emergency, you can apply this concept by inserting brief “stretches” before and after doing each of your more challenging tasks. Some examples of stretching exercises are: one- or two-minute visualizations, deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. For therapists, clergy and teachers, these quick routines can also be used in between client sessions, pastoral visits or student consultations.

Take a ride in the “Quiet Car”…you’ll be better for it.

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

Every step counts.

Last month I attended a golf tournament and was given one of those nifty pedometers to count the number of steps taken throughout the day. Although I was doubtful of its accuracy, I was captivated by the numbers: over 10,000 steps!

That little pedometer reminded me that slight but persistent efforts can have a huge payoff. Ask anyone who has hiked up a mountain, lost weight, or created a work of art… it all starts with one small action that is repeated many times over. This is the essence of change.

It’s also one of the things that trip us up when we are trying to modify something. At times it gets discouraging waiting for all those seemingly inconsequential steps to add up. We lose interest or motivation and give up before we reach the goal. Or, we might reach the goal but forget that we have to continue taking those same actions to maintain our achievement.

And it turns out that those tiny pedometers have something more to teach us about change. Monitoring your progress actually helps you stay on track. Whether you have a device that gives you this information (like a pedometer), or you record it yourself (such as a runner’s log or a food diary), receiving feedback about your efforts can be highly motivating. It’s one reason why coaching and counseling works – the coach or counselor provides objective observations of minute changes, which reinforces the desired outcome.

A race is run one step at a time; a painting made one brushstroke at a time; all transformations happen with one effort at a time. Steps, brushstrokes or efforts add up to wonderful accomplishments. You can count on that!

Linda S Peterson

There’s an old joke that asks, “How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer is: “Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.”

Life imitating art, I just watched the movie Groundhog Day for perhaps the tenth time. In it, the main character played by Bill Murray, experiences the same day over and over again. He stays stuck in this time loop until he finally begins to make some changes in his life.

What a great metaphor for our own lives! It can sometimes appear that we are relentlessly compelled to repeat the same actions, seemingly on autopilot. Many people believe they are trapped by life circumstances or have no options. Some lament their inability to do what they know they “should” do.

There are many reasons why people don’t change:
• Habits and habitual responses can be hard to break
• It can be difficult and/or painful to adopt a new habit or behavior
• It’s more comfortable to maintain the status quo
• Staying the same feels “normal”
• Lack of motivation, persistence or discipline
• Giving up when changes don’t happen quickly enough
• There’s a payoff for not changing
• Changing might incur a cost or have a negative impact on your environment

Yet most of us want something to be different in our lives – less stress, better health, greater enjoyment, more peaceful relations. How do we make the shift?

To start, cultivate the “habit” of doing one thing different (and to create a habit you must repeat it every day for at least 21 days). It may not matter what that different thing is: take another route to work, eat breakfast for dinner, reverse the order you typically do things, speak to a stranger…the list is endless. The aim is to create momentum in the direction of change, to befriend the notion of change, to become successful at it.

If you do something different every day, it will affect you in surprising ways. Give it a try!

“Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.” ~Pauline R. Kezer

Linda S Peterson, Licensed Professional Counselor

I am writing this from Maine, where I’m spending a glorious week’s vacation. No one questioned my choice to go away.

However, President Obama received much criticism for going to Maine this past weekend. His critics contend that he shouldn’t be off vacationing when there are so many difficult issues facing the country, particularly the gulf oil spill.

I disagree; I think it’s a wise choice.

Anyone who works at the intensity Obama does knows that it takes a lot of physical and emotional endurance to perform at such a high level. It is unrealistic to expect that someone can sustain these efforts without time off. In fact, people work more effectively when they alternate highly focused work periods with time off or diversions. If you don’t take time off, you become sick, exhausted, overloaded.

When you serve in a caretaker role – counselor, clergy, teacher, medical personnel, family caregiver, police officer, parent – you must manage heavy demands, especially because you are dealing with others’ emotional difficulties. As a result, you are prone to either compassion fatigue or burnout or both.

These terms are often used lightly, but in the professional world they are both considered to be the consequence of working with others who are traumatized or in a heightened emotional state. The main differences between the two have to do with degree and timing. Compassion fatigue often sets in quickly and is characterized by feelings of helplessness, resentment or confusion. If addressed quickly and appropriately, recovering from compassion fatigue is relatively simple.

Burnout occurs over a longer period (usually from chronic exposure to difficult situations) and is more severe – often complete spiritual, mental, emotional and physical exhaustion – resulting in the inability to be a healthy caregiver. Burnout is much more difficult to treat and rebound from.

To give compassion to others, you have to extend it to yourself: take time off. It’s the wise thing to do.